What do you when your worst fear comes to pass...again?

It's been a long and tiring week. 8 days ago I was rejoicing with the knowledge that a sweet little one was growing within me, and now here I sit, still reeling at everything that has happened.

I had lost a baby before, when Anna was about a year old. That loss was the hardest trial I have ever faced, and I believe that I came out stronger because of it. But that doesn't mean I have not frequently thought of that baby and feared that it would happen again. I struggled through the hurt last time, and although I have the strength of God holding me up, I have been paralyzed with fear of having to experience pain like that again. Still, our God is sovereign, and His plans are best even when I don't understand them.

We had been hoping for another baby for many months. We have always wanted a big family, and I especially have been yearning for our family to grow. We trust God, and we know that He knows exactly what is best for us, but sometimes it is incredibly difficult to be patient, as we all know. I had been through this yearning before, before Maggie was born, and I knew I needed to relax and let His plan unfold. Lo and behold, when I finally did, I found out I was expecting. God gave me just what I needed: a period of putting my faith in Him and trusting His will. He knew I was going to need the extra practice.

I found out I was pregnant on July 9. It was a total shock, and I fell to my knees in thanks to the Lord. I prayed that He would give me peace to trust Him no matter what, and to free me of anxiety and worry, which are two things I am very prone to experiencing. Because I am still nursing Maggie, I wasn't completely sure of my due date or gestation, but I knew it would be sometime around the end of March. I went to see my midwife, Donna, and she couldn't tell a due date either, so we decided to wait a few weeks and go for an ultrasound. Since it was still early, we told our family and decided to wait just a little while longer until we announced our news.

For about two weeks we waited, and then we decided to share our joy with all of our friends. Even though it was still early, we thought it was good to have many people praying for us, and to have our friends to confide in and go to should we need them. I knew that I needed extra prayer, because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake the anxiety that had furrowed its way into my mind. I know some people don't think that announcing early is a good idea because the potential for loss is still so great, but our logic was that if we did lose the baby, the more people praying for us and uplifting us the better. Losing a baby is not an embarrassment to be hidden away, or a secret to be kept within select circles; it is a tragic loss that deserves the prayers of many people. We knew that our fellow believers would support us, and therefore we chose to share our joy, and our sorrow.

I went for an ultrasound to determine my gestation and due date on July 28th. The ultrasound went as normal (this was my fifth ultrasound at that facility, so I knew the drill) and I was given a due date of March 26, 2016, making me 5 weeks and 4 days along that day. Of course since it was so early there wasn't much to see; there was a black circle about an inch across that was the gestational sac, but we couldn't see the baby yet. Still, the tech was confident that everything looked just as it should have and I left feeling overjoyed and very much encouraged.

It was two days later that we had the first sign of trouble. I was fine all day long, if a little tired (but that's definitely normal in pregnancy, especially with two little ones!), until around 6:30. That was when I had the first bit of bleeding. It wasn't a lot, but it was definitely enough to make me nervous, and call the midwife in tears of worry and despair. She told me to calm down and not worry yet, so I went to bed that night in turmoil.

The next morning it had stopped, or so I thought, so I allowed myself to feel relief and relaxed. A few hours later, though, the bleeding started back again and Donna had me come in to her office. She examined me and told me that all we could do was wait - there was definitely hope that everything would be fine, but we wouldn't know for sure until the bleeding either picked up or tapered off. I knew that all I could was pray and trust God, but I was so incredibly fearful. All the rest of the day I fretted around, not knowing what was going to happen, but trying to be at peace with God's plan (which is much easier said than done!).

During this time of uncertainty, I was beside myself with despair and worry. All I can say is thank God for my husband. God knew exactly what He was doing when he put the two of us together. Andrew is calm and level-headed, and definitely not a worrier like I am. He was there to talk me out of my grief throughout this whole ordeal, and he reminded me constantly where my hope rests. He had the perfect words and spoke right to my heart, even when I just wanted to wallow in my anguish. I know the Spirit was talking through Him to put my focus back where it needed to be, and I am so thankful for him.

Nothing much changed until the next day, which was Friday. That morning I started having some mild cramps, and the bleeding picked up a little bit. I knew in my heart what that meant, but I didn't want to lose hope. God already knew what was going to happen, and that was my consolation. The cramps got worse and worse throughout the day, and I grew more and more mournful. It was around 6:30 when the thing I had been so dreading and so fearing came to pass. I passed the baby. It was in that moment that all of my emotions came crashing down on me and I broke. I didn't understand why God had taken another baby away from me, and I was heartbroken. I remember the pain being difficult the first time, but not as devastating as that. For a while I was alone with my grief, and then I fled to my husband, who reminded me once again that we are stewards of God's children for however long He sees fit. That day was hard, but with Andrew, and the strength I sought from God and His Word, I made it through, just as I always do.

One day later we buried our baby. My first miscarriage was an earlier gestation, and there hadn't been anything to bury, so this was a ceremonial process I was thankful we could have. It provided me with a sense of closure, and made me feel as if we had willingly handed our baby over to the Lord. Anna came with us to bury the baby, and I feel like she got somewhat of a sense of what happened, even though she still asks me sometimes how the baby is doing in my tummy. We chose Proverbs 3:5 to write on the marker because it was what Andrew repeated to me multiple times a day as I struggled with fear and grief, and it spoke to my heart perfectly. I sat alone with the baby for a while, and prayed that God would give us peace, and thanked Him for His mercy to the baby. I take such comfort in knowing that that child won't have to live a life full of sin and pain; that child is cradled in the loving arms of our Lord and knows love like no other. This blessed assurance has kept me going, and the knowledge that I will meet two of my own children in Heaven gives me joy that cannot be explained. I am so thankful for the peace and assurance that can only come from God. Without it I would be lost.

I was reminded multiple times of the words of Job in Job 1:21: "And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”" If Job could praise the Lord through trials like I have never known, I can praise His name no matter what. His plan is perfect, even if it doesn't always align with what I want. God knows if and when we will have more children. He knows what our family will look like, and even if He chooses not to give us more children on this Earth, we have been so richly blessed. We have two beautiful daughters who love the Lord, and I couldn't ask for any more.

Thank you all for your prayers. They have uplifted and carried us through this time of hardship. I was hesitant about going to church that Sunday after the loss, because I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk about it yet, but I am so glad I did. The love that flowed from my brothers and sisters in Christ was immeasurable, and filled me with warmth and happiness.

Thank God for all He has given me. He is good.

Proverbs 3:5: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."

Reflecting on 2013, and looking ahead to 2014!

Another year is upon us, and another is behind us! While Andrew and I didn't stay up until midnight to ring in the new year (at least, not intentionally - I think he was up on his phone, and I drifted in and out of sleep around midnight), I did a lot of reflecting before I went to bed on December 31, 2013, thinking about what now lay behind us, and everything that God may have in store for us.

2013 was undoubtedly the most difficult year I have ever faced. Our family faced everything from financial struggles, to lost and broken friendships, to the loss of a child. We mourned, prayed, and cried together, and overcame our trials together, as a family centered on Christ. And despite the pain we faced, we found joy, and we were so incredibly blessed.

In 2013, Anna turned one year old. She took her first steps, had her first visit to the ER, and took her first trip to Disney World. She grew so much in one short year, and it's so hard to imagine that before we know it she will be two years old!
This is Anna at the beginning of 2013 and again at the beginning of 2014:

She has grown and changed so much, and I could ask for no greater blessing than to be able to nurture her and watch her learn and grow into a beautiful young woman.

A few more highlights from the year:

Anna's first trip to Disney World in February!

Anna announcing the big news that she is going to be a big sister!

2013 also saw the hardest few months I have ever been through. In May, just a few days before Mother's Day, I found out that I was pregnant. We had been yearning for a second child for many months, and we were so incredibly overjoyed. What followed was the craziest, most difficult emotional roller coaster we have ever experienced. When I started bleeding, we thought that I was miscarrying and mourned the loss of our second baby, but when blood tests showed that my hormone levels were still indicative of pregnancy, we went back and forth between hope and heartbreak for more than a month. It took until the end of June to 100% confirm that we had lost the baby, and by then we were beyond exhausted and drained. My birthday fell right in the middle of all of that, and I remember thinking on that day that it was the worst birthday I had ever had. But despite how much grief we felt, and all the tears we shed, we were strengthened, and we grew closer together. I learned so much in those few months, and if I could re-do the year, I would not change a thing. It was the greatest trial I have endured in my life, but it also was changed me for the better, and helped me trust God so much more than I had before.

As dark as May and June of 2013 were, August brought us true joy and hope. We were away in the mountains for our second anniversary when we learned that I was pregnant! We were immediately filled with elation mixed with apprehension; we were overjoyed, but the memory of our last experience left us nervous for what could happen. Miraculously, nothing went wrong, and the little baby within me continues to blossom and grow just perfectly. 

Our family (on mine and Andrew's second wedding anniversary) in the mountains shortly after finding out that we were expecting! 

Our sweet little bean in my tummy!

So now that 2013 has ended, we look ahead to the coming year. I've never been one for making New Year's Resolutions - the few I've made over the years never manage to be kept for very long. I have made some goals for our family; I want to become much more self-sufficient, so I am planning on planting our spring and summer vegetable garden, and starting a flock of Plymouth Rock chickens for eggs and meat (I am still working on my mental resolve as far as turning the live chickens into meat ;) ). We also have a goat that I am planning on milking (if she turns out to be pregnant!) to have fresh raw milk at our disposal. 2014 will bring us a new family member, and many more surprises. I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for us in the new year, and I know that we will be together as a family, through thick and thin.

Happy New Year to all of my friends and family! May 2014 bring you many blessings and much joy.

""For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."" - Jeremiah 29:11

Our growing family!

It certainly has been a long time since I posted a blog! Too much has happened for me to catch up on, so I will pick up where we are today!

Today was our 20 week ultrasound, and everything went absolutely perfectly (except for a brief intermission when the computer had to reboot) and our baby looks completely beautiful. He or she was moving around like crazy and gave us quite a show. We got to see a sweet little yawn, and ten very long and wiggly toes!

I am so in love with this sweet little baby, and I have the worst baby fever waiting for April to come! We had decided beforehand not to find out the gender, and apart from one brief moment of weakened resolve, we made it all the way through! Now that we have this ultrasound done, we won't have any more chances to change our minds, so we will be surprised on baby's birthday! We have two beautiful family names picked out, so all we have to do now is wait and see! In the meantime, I found a fun little game for our friends and family to play: 

http://www.babyhunch.com/poolpage.php?poolid=c75e0a561cc632f1cdbdd3bf0b3b8db4

Please join in and guess what you think our baby's stats will be! 

I have been reflecting quite a bit on this baby and how much has changed since Anna was born. In the year and a half since Anna's birth, we have been through the hardest thing we as parents, and husband and wife, have ever experienced, and grown from it. I was doing some reading and found the term 'rainbow baby', which is what some people call a pregnancy after a miscarriage; a rainbow which comes after the darkest storm of my life. I found this wonderful quote:
""Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalnace of color, energy, and hope."

For my pregnancy with Anna, I had a special verse that I meditated on and dedicated to her, to be special for her forever. Her verse is 1 Samuel 1:27: "I have prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him." I have been contemplating for months on what the verse for this baby will be, and I knew it should be a verse that expressed our journey of joy and hope through sorrow. After a lot of prayer, contemplating, and Google searching, I finally found a verse that touched me: Ezekiel 1:28: "Like the appearance of the bow that is in the cloud on the day of rain, so was the appearance of the brightness all around. Such was the appearance of the brightness all around. Such was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord." I love this verse for so many reasons: the reference to a rainbow, the juxtaposition of the brightness against the backdrop of darkness, and the allusion to the appearance of the Lord. I know that this baby is the work of the Lord, and I see Him and His goodness every day as my sweet little ones grow. I am so, so thankful for all of His mercies in our lives, and I look forward to seeing His plan unfold more and more.

Anna is growing so fast! She can pick out the letters "C" and "D" and knows tons of animal sounds. She is a good influence on us, too - she knows that we have to pray before we eat and when we go to bed, and she doesn't let us forget! She even walks around the house with her hands together saying prayers randomly sometimes. :) She's been 'mothering' her dolls a lot more lately, which warms my heart to see. I know she is going to be the sweetest, most loving big sister, and I can't wait to for her to meet her little brother or sister! She is such a blessing, and I love watching her grow and learn every day. 

That pretty much sums it up for now, but I am certainly going to try and do a much better job of staying up-to-date on our lives and goings-on! Until the next time!

Psalm 106:1: "Praise the Lord! Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever."

My cup with blessings overflows, even in the darkest of storms.

I debated with myself for a long time as to whether or not I should write this, but I think that too often, we humans hide away within ourselves instead of seeking solace in the friendship and love of others. My hope is that writing out the story of my trials can help me to heal, and maybe help someone who is in the midst of the same sort of trial that I have endured to find peace and understanding. It has been difficult, but through Christ, I have been able to accept that all things will work for my good.

Andrew and I have been yearning for another child for quite a while. It has always been our desire to have a big family, and I dream of the day when we (hopefully) will be surrounded by children. Psalm 127: 3-5: "Behold, children are a heritage of the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!" Because of this desire, I had been practically obsessing each month over whether or not I was pregnant. Andrew kept reminding me, month after month, not to worry, and that it was beyond our control. I knew, in my heart, that it was all in God's timing, but I have always been a worrier. I knew that I needed to place my full trust in the Lord's sovereignty, but it was just so difficult to do. Month after month of waiting began to wear away at me, and I found myself weary and frustrated until every negative pregnancy test caused me to break down into tears.  But then...our prayers were answered.

May 6 was a Monday. I woke up early that morning and decided I might as well use up the last pregnancy test I had in the drawer. I wasn't expecting anything; I had tested a few days before and gotten a negative. Half-asleep and feeling quite pessimistic, I took the test and bustled around while I waited for it to develop. As soon as I put my contact lenses in, I checked it, and then...I couldn't believe my eyes. Two little pink lines. Those two little lines I had been waiting for were now there, right in front of me, and I was in shock. It took a few moments to register, and then I was filled with a rush of joy so overwhelming that I had to sit and let it sink in. I felt like I had never been happier than I was in that moment, and I ran over to the bed and woke Andrew with tears in my eyes. After the initial grogginess had worn off of his face, I could see the same joy overcome him that I was feeling, and for a few minutes we sat together, overwhelmed with emotion and joy. We told several people our good news that day; who could blame us? We had waited for so long that we were bursting to share our excitement. The one fear that plagued my mind throughout that day was "what if I lose this baby?" I had prayed, and waited, and cried so much already for this baby that I had only known for a few hours and the thought of losing it was unbearable. I put the thoughts out of my head and celebrated the miracle that was growing within me.

I awoke the next morning with a sudden surge of joy, and it took me a minute to remember why. I hopped up out of bed with a vigor I hadn't felt in a while, and began to bustle around doing my morning routine. I was using the bathroom, and then all of a sudden I realized...I was bleeding. My heart stopped; I felt like I couldn't breathe. For a few seconds I was paralyzed, and then numbness took over me. After so much waiting and praying, and then after so much joy, I couldn't bear to have this blessing ripped away so soon. For a while I just sat in sort of a daze, and then I went over to the bed and held on to Andrew as tightly as I could. By that point I was crying, and my shudders woke him up. It took a while for me to manage any intelligible words, but eventually he understood, and we both just laid there together, mourning the loss of someone we had never even met but already missed so dearly. It didn't seem fair. I was so confused, and so devastated, and all I wanted to do was forget that any of it had happened. Andrew was so gentle and loving, and such a guiding light to me; he reminded me that it was all in God's will and that all things would work out for good (Romans 8:28). We went to our midwife that same day, and she drew my blood to check my HCG (the pregnancy hormone, basically) levels. We needed to confirm that they were dropping, which would confirm that it was indeed a miscarriage. We went through the rest of the day with heavy hearts.

It took two days for the results of the blood test to come back. Donna (our midwife) called me around midday on Thursday and told me to come back and we would draw more blood. My HCG level was 18, which is really really low. We all assumed that there was no way it could be rising at such a low number, so we went away believing that I had lost the baby. We drew more blood anyway, just to be sure, but those results wouldn't be back for a few days. Andrew and I decided that we needed to go away and spend some time together as a family as we overcame this trial together, so we packed up Anna and Rena (who was such a blessing to have along!) and hit the road for Williamsburg later that week.

We were en route to Williamsburg when Donna called us with the results from my second blood test. She told me to put her on speaker phone so that she could speak to Andrew and I at the same time, and then she launched into what was the first upward swing on the emotional roller coaster of which we were now passengers. My HCG level had actually risen to 73, which wasn't what any of us were expecting. Donna herself didn't quite know what to make of it; she was just as confused as we were. She had never seen a positive, healthy pregnancy with an HCG level as low as 18, and she told us there were three distinct possibilities: 1) It could be a loss, despite the hormone levels; 2) It could be a healthy pregnancy, and we had just managed to detect it at an unusually early time when the HCG hadn't had a chance to rise yet; or 3) It could be an ectopic pregnancy. It was like we had been hit by a tsunami. We were suddenly re-invigorated by this new glimmer of hope. Donna reminded us that anything was possible, but not to get our hopes up for anything yet.  We would wait two weeks so that my HCG could rise or fizzle out, depending on what it was doing, and then we would do more blood tests to determine what was happening. She told me what the symptoms of ectopic pregnancy were, and to go straight to the ER if I experienced anything like them. After she hung up, a sort of stunned silence hung in the air for a while before we could talk about it. We had gone from total joy, to devastating heartbreak, and then to utter confusion. We wanted answers, and clarity, but we knew there was nothing we could do but wait.

Even though I knew that worrying would bring me nothing but more heartache, I thought night and day about what was happening within me. No matter how many distractions I surrounded myself with, I couldn't focus my attention anywhere else. I prayed for peace and patience, and Andrew reminded me practically every hour that no good would come from worrying, but still I couldn't help but dwell on it. Our vacation lasted three days, and it was absolutely wonderful to be together without having to worry about work, or housekeeping, or anything but enjoying each other and spending time alone with God. When we returned home, however, my anxiety set in. I spent the next two weeks driving myself crazy worrying. I had always feared that I would face an ectopic pregnancy; I don't believe in abortion for any reason, and I was overwhelmed with the prospect of having to make a life or death decision. I prayed relentlessly that God would send me anything but that, but I understood that if He placed me in such a situation, it was for His own glory, and I would do the very best I could to live out His will. 

In my Bible study, we had recently memorized Psalm 23, basically right at the time when all this began. I could not have given a better example of God's sovereignty than that: in those seven short verses, I found comforts for every worry and fear that crossed my mind.

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
forever."

I distinctly remember one night when I was eating supper, I was battling with myself over what would happen if I did have an ectopic pregnancy. I was quietly sobbing into my spaghetti, and when Andrew asked me what was wrong I said: "I never thought I would actually be walking through the valley of the shadow of death." It was sobering for me to voice my fears, and I think it was sobering for him to hear me say it, but then he reminded me of the next verse: "I will fear no evil, for you are with me." Through all of the fears, worries, and anxieties I faced those trying two weeks, He was with me, and there is no greater comfort than that.

We somehow made it through two long weeks of waiting and wondering. Throughout those two weeks, we were optimistic; I was ravenously hungry, and rather moody (yes, I admit it!), so we took those as positive signs and prayed for a miracle. After what seemed like a lifetime, it was finally time to draw more blood and see what my HCG was doing. Another agonizing two days passed, and then one morning my phone lit up bearing the most beautiful words I thought I had ever read. My HCG had risen to over 3000. It fell within the normal range for a 4-5 week pregnancy, so we decided to forego another blood test and go straight for an ultrasound, which we thought for sure would give us a clear, concise answer.

Ultrasound day came. I was sick with worry all through that morning, and my fears were not aided by the fact that I began bleeding again that day. Needless to say, I was practically hyperventilating by the time we were escorted back to the ultrasound room. The tech got me all set up, and the lights dimmed while Andrew I sat sat with bated breath. I don't know what I was expecting, really; it was way, way too early to see the flutter of a heartbeat that my heart yearned for. If we did see anything, it would be just a small black blob on the screen, and the tech doing the procedure couldn't tell us anything anyway. She was awfully quiet as she took measurements and captured screenshots for the radiologist. When it was over, I was nearly bursting with anxiety, and she promised that she would have the radiologist come and speak to us before we left. We waited for about half an hour more, and then a man walked up to us, and I was sure he was going to come bearing news of a miracle, telling us that he had found a teeny tiny little person, growing exactly perfectly and where it was supposed to be. All of my craziest speculations couldn't have prepared me for what he said: there was nothing there. He saw no sign of anything, anywhere. No pregnancy, ectopic or healthy. Of all the possibilities that had been swirling around in my head, that was definitely not one of them. We had expected to have a definite answer, but instead we were even more confused. Donna was just as baffled as we were; she drew more of my blood and said that we would have to wait and see...again.

After another agonizing weekend, the blood results came back to show that my HCG was up yet again. By now, I was so worn. We were all tired of things that didn't make sense, and of being in limbo with no clue as to what was actually going on. Donna suggested that we see a perinatologist in Cary, and he would almost certainly be able to give us a definitive answer. He doesn't take any clients before 6 weeks, and by our calculations, 6 weeks for me would have been June 18 (incidentally, the day after my birthday). So we made our appointment and hunkered down to wait once more.

The bleeding that had begin that day that we had our first ultrasound did not let up; in fact, it increased as time went on. By the time a week rolled around and it was getting progressively worse, I had the dreadful feeling that something was definitely not right, and had more blood drawn. We all thought that this was it, and that my levels would be down, and that this was a miscarriage. When the results came back, my HCG was higher than the last test had been, so we assumed it had was still rising. No one thought to test again to make sure the HCG was trending up rather than down.

After about a week, my bleeding had stopped and it was June 18. Andrew and I didn't talk much on the way to Cary that morning. I think we were both reflecting on everything that happened so far, and thinking about the outcome we so desperately yearned for, and about the worst case scenarios we were dreading. After everything we had been through, after so many trials and tears, I still held on to hope that we could have a happy ending, and that there was a healthy baby growing exactly where it was supposed to be. We arrived and got ready to receive an answer. As the doctor performed the ultrasound, he gave us commentary and told us what we were looking at, but he never mentioned a baby, or a fetus, or anything that sounded remotely like a pregnancy. By the time he was done, he had only confirmed what we had all already deduced: there was nothing there. He told us that most likely the bleeding I had experienced had been a loss, and that we should check my HCG one last time, just to be sure. He went to call Donna and we left with heavy hearts. We arrived at her office a few hours later and found her just as glum as we were. Before she drew blood, I thought that maybe I should take a urine test, to possibly save us the trouble and time. If it was a negative, we would know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had lost the baby. Instead of having to wait two days for more bloodwork, we had to wait two minutes, and sure enough, there it was...one negative pregnancy test. And just like that...it was all over.

So many emotions flooded through me at that moment that I didn't even know what half of them were. I won't lie and say that I wasn't relieved that the suspense and waiting was over; I had come to terms, long ago, that this would probably be the outcome of our ordeal. I had already mourned the loss of this little child, and then celebrated, and then mourned yet again. I felt like I had no tears left to cry. By the end of it all, I was just so numb that I could barely speak, or think. On the way home that afternoon I did shed a few tears, but I also thanked God for His sovereignty and His plan. In the dark times I had walked through, my biggest comfort had been knowing that it was beyond my control, and that the God of creation knew what was happening, and that He cared about me. 

I know that I will always grieve a little for the baby that was lost before we ever got the chance to meet. He or she is as much a part of our family as Anna, and I am so thankful that we had those few moments of sheer joy and celebration. I have learned many lessons from this, but mainly I was shown how to truly and fully trust in the sovereignty of God. It occurred to me that if I had trusted in the first place rather than obsessing and testing every single day, we never have had to endure this trial, but I'm glad we did. I feel so much stronger as a mother, a wife, a woman, and a believer now that I come through this valley. I am thankful every day for the blessings that I have been given, and I look to the future with thankfulness for the blessings I haven't even seen yet.

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
forever."

Praise the Lord.

Birth Story Day 4: April 25, 2012

Day 4: Wednesday, April 25, 2012   

    At long last, the time was upon us. It had been three days of waiting, wondering, and praying. We all knew it couldn't go on much longer, and that very soon, the waiting would be over.
    As Tuesday crept into Wednesday, I was laboring so intently that I felt like I was in another world. I was in the worst part of labor and I felt like I was dying. I was just to ready for it all to be over that I started to push. I didn't feel 'the urge' that some people talk about; I just pushed because I thought it meant I would be done faster! I didn't realise how much more energy I would burn having to push with every contraction, but I really didn't care. I wanted that baby OUT. It was around 1:30 in the morning when I started pushing. I stayed in the pool for a while, but then it became clear that I couldn't get enough strength while I was in the water. Donna forced me to get out (trust me, I didn't want to!) and sat me on the birth stool, which looks (and feels!) like a medieval torture device. I'm thankful that it didn't help, because she quickly let me get off and lay on the bed. She had me on my back, which is precisely how people tell you not to push, but it worked, and that's all we cared about.
     I had Andrew behind me, holding me and soothing me with each contraction. I was surrounded by my mom, my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law, my midwife, her assistant, my photographer, and her sister. It was kind of like a big party in between contractions! :P They all cheered me on as I pushed Anna to crowning, and reassured as she stayed there for half an hour. It was almost over, and the finish line was in sight for all of us. After 9 months of pregnancy, more than 60 hours of steady labor, and almost 3 hours of pushing, my little girl was ready to make her debut. Everyone cheered when her head was delivered and they could finally see that little face we had all been waiting for. I felt like I had nothing left in me, and I just wanted to stop, but I could see her. I could see the baby I had waited my whole life for, so I dug down deep in my soul and scraped out the last drop of energy I could find. I closed my eyes, and I pushed. And then, all of a sudden, there she was.
    This little tiny person, so helpless, was there waiting for me. I took her under the armpits and pulled her up to my chest, and at that moment, I felt complete. I had missed her so much without ever having met her, and then she was there in my arms. There are no words for how that moment felt, with my husband behind me and my daughter on my chest; our little family was finally together. I cried and cried that moment as I became a mother. I had fulfilled the calling that God had sent me, and my life was totally changed forever. Then I realized that the little girl on my chest, wrapped in a towel and looking into my eyes, was totally dependent on me for everything, and if that's not a humbling feeling, I don't know what is!
    It was around that time that Donna noticed something was off about her. She wasn't as pink as she should have been (she was kind of purple), she wasn't crying, and her muscle tone was terrible. She took her from me and started doing mouth-to-mouth. I was still in a daze and flooded with oxytocin, but I found a way to be terrified. Donna was reassuring me that she was okay and just needed some help, but seeing my new, tiny baby being put on oxygen was petrifying. The room adopted a tense hush as she worked, helping Anna breathe and palpitating her chest. I don't think anybody really breathed until almost an hour, when I was handed back a pink, squirming baby. Nine people breathed simultaneous sighs of relief, and the bonding began all over again. Andrew cut her cord, and she was officially no longer connected to me.

    One year later, she is a bright, beautiful, smart little girl with the friendliest personality. She can tel you what a cow and a chicken say, and show you her nose. She waves at everyone she meets, and talks up a storm. She is so loved, by so many people, and I don't think she will ever really know how much she is loved. I know that God has an amazing plan for her, and I am so excited to be able to sit back and watch her grow into the amazing woman I know she will be. I have been, and always will be, so incredibly blessed to be her mother. <3

The first moment I held my baby.

 

When we realized she was a little too purple.

Our first family picture <3

 

When Anna met her Daddy <3

 

The cutting of the cord!



John 16:21: When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.

1 Samuel 1:27: I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.

Birth Story: Day 3!

Day 3: Tuesday, April 24, 2012

    After (another) long night of no sleep and lots of contractions, morning brought us Tuesday. Donna thought that I should have been almost fully dilated after more than a full day of steady contractions. Another cervical check told us that, alas, I was STILL at 4 centimeters (I was going to come to despise hearing the words “4 centimeters” over the course of that day). Bre went to buy us some breakfast (have I mentioned yet that I loved how much my midwife fed me?) and we all sat in a circle and ate. We had been cooped up in the house for two days, so Donna decided that Andrew and I would benefit from some fresh air and a long walk. One long hot  shower later, the two of us set out together.
    There was a school tour going on that day, and I didn’t want to be laboring in front of 200 happy kindergardeners, but trying to be quiet and inconspicuous was really difficult! We tried to stick to the areas where there were no kids, but they seemed to be following us, and I’m sure someone noticed me and how loud I was being. We stopped by the ice cream shop, and sat by the pond together, and relaxed in the warm morning air. It was nice to get out of the house and away from the crowd for a while (there were 10 people coming and going all the time!), so we stayed outside for as long as we could before I couldn’t bear to walk anymore.
    We went back inside for lunch (chicken salad courtesy of my wonderful mother-in-law) and ANOTHER cervical check. Donna told me I had progressed to 5 centimeters, but I remembered stories from other mamas about her fibbing just so I wouldn’t get discouraged. I harassed and harangled her and and Andrew for the next hour, until Andrew finally admitted that I was still at 4. That was all I could take; I broke down and sobbed. I was so exhausted, and overwhelmed, and I was truly, honestly scared. I didn’t know if something was wrong with me that was causing me to stall, and honestly I wasn’t even sure if I did want to keep going, because I had no idea what was going to happen when the baby finally did come, and I had no idea how to be a mom. Thank God for Donna. She knew that everything I was feeling was normal new mom anxiety, and she knew how to calm my fears. After lots of hugs, reassurances, and distractions, I was back in a laughing mood and ready to get the show on the road. Donna broke out the big guns and pulled out her bag of ‘witch medicine,’ as I called it. She gave me some homeopathic herbs that were supposed to help speed up my labor, and she made me drink a tonic called black and blue cohosh. She also made me do lunges and elephant walks all around the living room, which felt really dumb and I’m sure looked really silly! I was skeptical, but by the time supper rolled around, I felt like we were making more progress than we had been. As we all sat around and ate tortellini prepared by my mom, I bounced on my yoga ball and breathed through contractions.
    After supper, Donna checked me again and finally, FINALLY, she told me that I was 6 centimeters. I know that doesn’t sound like a major achievement, but after being at 4 for 24 hours, I was ecstatic. Donna said it was time to get the ball rolling, and broke my water around 8 pm. We were all sure that this was it, and the time to push would be upon us at any moment. We filled the birth pool again and I got right in and started swimming around while I moved into the transition stage of labor.
    Transition was rough. Everyone had told me that it was the worst part of labor, but I wasn’t prepared for how quickly the pain went from tolerable to agonizing. I kept wanting to lay down on the bed, because I was so, so tired, but laying down made everything ten times worse. Donna kept me up and moving: hanging off a rebozo on the bedroom door, kneeling, crawling, walking, and even sitting on her lap. I yelled and screamed my way into Wednesday morning, which we all knew would be bringing us a little angel before dawn.


I don't have any pictures of Tuesday since Sarah left, but fear not, there will be more tomorrow :)

Birth Story: Day 2!

Day 2: Monday, April 23, 2013

    Out of all four days of labor, Monday was probably the least (and at the same time, most) eventful. After a long, long night, nothing had changed; I was still just as tired, frustrated, and impatient, and my contractions were just as horrendous. I had no idea that things were only going to get worse. Andrew and I spent the day at home together, with him supporting me as the hours dragged on and on. I thought that that was the longest day of my life, but I had no idea that the worst was still to come. Our family popped in and out throughout the day; Andrew's parents and brother were with us, making meals, cleaning up, and mostly serving to distract me from the contractions. We were all expecting to have baby by the next morning, so there was a sense of anticipation hanging in the air all day. Every contraction brought with it concerned glances, excited voices in the next room, and excitement from everyone present.
 
    After spending the morning at home, we thought for sure that I was making progress, so we called Donna and asked her to come and check in on us. It was around 1 in the afternoon or so, and Donna came out to the house to keep us company and see how I was doing. After a quick cervical check, she told me that I was 2 centimeters dilated and 80% effaced, which everybody thought was amazing news. She thought that she would be able to go home and get ready for a long night, so she left, but we all knew for sure that Anna would be with us by Tuesday morning.

       The evening dragged on, and the contractions started to get longer and more painful, so Andrew decided it was 'time.' I remember I was protesting, telling him not to bother the midwife and I was fine, but in retrospect I am so glad he called her when he did, because we really needed her support. It was around 9 when we called her, as well as my mom, and Sarah, our photographer. When Donna arrived, I was so nervous. I was afraid, and exhausted, and I was in pain. I can't imagine having had to go through that night without her there with me. She came and the two of us sat in the dark, breathing and talking, trying to relax. She coached me, and counseled me through some of the emotions I was battling. A lot of other things had been happening, and she helped to settle my heart and soothe my mind. Another cervical check (wow, are those unpleasant!) told us that I was now 4 centimeters and 100% effaced.
 
    Donna and her assistant, Bre, set up the birth pool in our bedroom and unpacked all of their equipment. I can't describe how amazing the hot water felt. I floated around in the pool for a few hours while people trickled in. :P Sarah arrived around 10, and my mom about thirty minutes later. Everyone was expecting Anna to be born sometime that night, so we all found a place and tried our best to sleep. I remember drifting in and out of sleep the whole night, crying and yelling every time a bad contraction hit. Donna was camped out on the floor and coached me through each and every one. I honestly couldn't have done it without her. She couldn't have gotten any more sleep than I did, and she was still ready every time I needed her there. My sweet husband was my anchor, too. The whole night we just lay there together, and every time he would fall asleep, I would wake him up by being loud or rolling around. If any of you know my husband, you know he is the kind if person that needs sleepy in order to maintain a cheery composure, but he never once complained, just held and supported me as each hour ticked away. We slept off and on, prayed a lot, and kept hoping that any minute the time would come for sweet Anna to be with us.

 

  My first night in the birth pool, with my greatest blessing coaching me through.

I couldn't have done it without him.

 

 Donna comforting me while I tried to rest.

 Make sure you come back tomorrow for part three! :)