I had lost a baby before, when Anna was about a year old. That loss was the hardest trial I have ever faced, and I believe that I came out stronger because of it. But that doesn't mean I have not frequently thought of that baby and feared that it would happen again. I struggled through the hurt last time, and although I have the strength of God holding me up, I have been paralyzed with fear of having to experience pain like that again. Still, our God is sovereign, and His plans are best even when I don't understand them.
We had been hoping for another baby for many months. We have always wanted a big family, and I especially have been yearning for our family to grow. We trust God, and we know that He knows exactly what is best for us, but sometimes it is incredibly difficult to be patient, as we all know. I had been through this yearning before, before Maggie was born, and I knew I needed to relax and let His plan unfold. Lo and behold, when I finally did, I found out I was expecting. God gave me just what I needed: a period of putting my faith in Him and trusting His will. He knew I was going to need the extra practice.
I found out I was pregnant on July 9. It was a total shock, and I fell to my knees in thanks to the Lord. I prayed that He would give me peace to trust Him no matter what, and to free me of anxiety and worry, which are two things I am very prone to experiencing. Because I am still nursing Maggie, I wasn't completely sure of my due date or gestation, but I knew it would be sometime around the end of March. I went to see my midwife, Donna, and she couldn't tell a due date either, so we decided to wait a few weeks and go for an ultrasound. Since it was still early, we told our family and decided to wait just a little while longer until we announced our news.
For about two weeks we waited, and then we decided to share our joy with all of our friends. Even though it was still early, we thought it was good to have many people praying for us, and to have our friends to confide in and go to should we need them. I knew that I needed extra prayer, because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake the anxiety that had furrowed its way into my mind. I know some people don't think that announcing early is a good idea because the potential for loss is still so great, but our logic was that if we did lose the baby, the more people praying for us and uplifting us the better. Losing a baby is not an embarrassment to be hidden away, or a secret to be kept within select circles; it is a tragic loss that deserves the prayers of many people. We knew that our fellow believers would support us, and therefore we chose to share our joy, and our sorrow.
I went for an ultrasound to determine my gestation and due date on July 28th. The ultrasound went as normal (this was my fifth ultrasound at that facility, so I knew the drill) and I was given a due date of March 26, 2016, making me 5 weeks and 4 days along that day. Of course since it was so early there wasn't much to see; there was a black circle about an inch across that was the gestational sac, but we couldn't see the baby yet. Still, the tech was confident that everything looked just as it should have and I left feeling overjoyed and very much encouraged.
It was two days later that we had the first sign of trouble. I was fine all day long, if a little tired (but that's definitely normal in pregnancy, especially with two little ones!), until around 6:30. That was when I had the first bit of bleeding. It wasn't a lot, but it was definitely enough to make me nervous, and call the midwife in tears of worry and despair. She told me to calm down and not worry yet, so I went to bed that night in turmoil.
The next morning it had stopped, or so I thought, so I allowed myself to feel relief and relaxed. A few hours later, though, the bleeding started back again and Donna had me come in to her office. She examined me and told me that all we could do was wait - there was definitely hope that everything would be fine, but we wouldn't know for sure until the bleeding either picked up or tapered off. I knew that all I could was pray and trust God, but I was so incredibly fearful. All the rest of the day I fretted around, not knowing what was going to happen, but trying to be at peace with God's plan (which is much easier said than done!).
During this time of uncertainty, I was beside myself with despair and worry. All I can say is thank God for my husband. God knew exactly what He was doing when he put the two of us together. Andrew is calm and level-headed, and definitely not a worrier like I am. He was there to talk me out of my grief throughout this whole ordeal, and he reminded me constantly where my hope rests. He had the perfect words and spoke right to my heart, even when I just wanted to wallow in my anguish. I know the Spirit was talking through Him to put my focus back where it needed to be, and I am so thankful for him.
Nothing much changed until the next day, which was Friday. That morning I started having some mild cramps, and the bleeding picked up a little bit. I knew in my heart what that meant, but I didn't want to lose hope. God already knew what was going to happen, and that was my consolation. The cramps got worse and worse throughout the day, and I grew more and more mournful. It was around 6:30 when the thing I had been so dreading and so fearing came to pass. I passed the baby. It was in that moment that all of my emotions came crashing down on me and I broke. I didn't understand why God had taken another baby away from me, and I was heartbroken. I remember the pain being difficult the first time, but not as devastating as that. For a while I was alone with my grief, and then I fled to my husband, who reminded me once again that we are stewards of God's children for however long He sees fit. That day was hard, but with Andrew, and the strength I sought from God and His Word, I made it through, just as I always do.
One day later we buried our baby. My first miscarriage was an earlier gestation, and there hadn't been anything to bury, so this was a ceremonial process I was thankful we could have. It provided me with a sense of closure, and made me feel as if we had willingly handed our baby over to the Lord. Anna came with us to bury the baby, and I feel like she got somewhat of a sense of what happened, even though she still asks me sometimes how the baby is doing in my tummy. We chose Proverbs 3:5 to write on the marker because it was what Andrew repeated to me multiple times a day as I struggled with fear and grief, and it spoke to my heart perfectly. I sat alone with the baby for a while, and prayed that God would give us peace, and thanked Him for His mercy to the baby. I take such comfort in knowing that that child won't have to live a life full of sin and pain; that child is cradled in the loving arms of our Lord and knows love like no other. This blessed assurance has kept me going, and the knowledge that I will meet two of my own children in Heaven gives me joy that cannot be explained. I am so thankful for the peace and assurance that can only come from God. Without it I would be lost.
I was reminded multiple times of the words of Job in Job 1:21: "And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”" If Job could praise the Lord through trials like I have never known, I can praise His name no matter what. His plan is perfect, even if it doesn't always align with what I want. God knows if and when we will have more children. He knows what our family will look like, and even if He chooses not to give us more children on this Earth, we have been so richly blessed. We have two beautiful daughters who love the Lord, and I couldn't ask for any more.
Thank you all for your prayers. They have uplifted and carried us through this time of hardship. I was hesitant about going to church that Sunday after the loss, because I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk about it yet, but I am so glad I did. The love that flowed from my brothers and sisters in Christ was immeasurable, and filled me with warmth and happiness.
Thank God for all He has given me. He is good.
Proverbs 3:5: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."
